The One In Which the Question Is Answered
Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be mean or hurt anyone's feelings. Don't take it personally.
Ross has requested that I write a post answering the question: Why Do I Hate Texas? Obviously, this is addressed to the Texans who read this blog because everyone who doesn't live in Texas has their own answer to this question, and it's probably pretty similar to mine. Before I start, though, I just want to say that I met many wonderful people while in Texas and not everything I say applies to everyone I met.
To understand the reason that I hate Texas, you have to understand me a little. I grew up in a small town where it wasn't OK to be different. I spent 18 years of my life feeling like I didn't belong and didn't fit. As a child, the only place we could afford to vacation was Dallas, Texas. Every year, we would go there to catch a Cowboys game. From the time I was 13, I felt like I belonged there. It was bigger and people thought like me. Very naively, I thought that's what I was looking for -- a place where I fit.
When I went to college, I found a place where I fit in a different way. I met people who understood me and liked me for who I was. I also met people who were drastically different from me and I began to change a lot. I realized that what I was looking for weren't people who were like me but people who accepted people no matter what their differences were. I made friends with people from different countries, from different religions, with completely different backgrounds. This was the kind of environment I wanted to be in.
But I made a promise to a 13-year-old girl that I would be a sports reporter for the Dallas Morning News and be a Cowboys season ticket holder. It was a promise I had to keep.
I lived in Dallas for three years and met lots of people. And the reason that I hate Texas can be summed up with the question that I get every time I tell a Texan that I hate Texas. "How can you hate Texas?" Texans cannot seem to understand that not everyone is going to think like them. They just absolutely cannot open their eyes to the fact that other people's experiences and beliefs might lead them to a different opinion than the one they themselves have. They drive around with Southern flags on their cars. They make racist jokes. They kick women out of football press boxes because "I've never met a woman who knows anything about football." They dislike anyone who doesn't think that the rest of the world is envious of Texans. They call you a Yankee if you grew up North of the Red River. They tell you that you're stupid because you didn't go to their University of choice. And they don't understand people who don't act the same way.
Now, Texans who read this post are thinking, "That's an exaggeration," "They were probably joking" or "That wouldn't happen." All of those things happened to me when I lived in Texas. And, no, people were not always joking.
I am of the belief that opinions are not right or wrong. They just are. Our experiences and personalities shape those opinions and not everyone is going to go through life with exactly the same experiences. Thus, not everyone will have the same opinions. Thank God! I don't think that people who let their religion guide them to some interesting opinions are uneducated. I think they've had a different set of life experiences to lead them to those beliefs. I don't believe that four white men who grew up middle class in a large Texas city and went to the same University can decide the best song of the 90s and expect that their opinion will apply to all of America. I don't think that because someone didn't go to college that they aren't as smart as me. I don't think that some television shows, for example, are just inherently better than others and all people with good taste just know that. I don't think that I'm superior to anyone because of the color of my skin, and I certainly don't think that an appendige hanging below your belly button qualifies you to talk about sports. I think that everyone's opinions are what make them unique and special. I think everyone should embrace the ways that they differ from others.
That being said, I don't blame people who think that their opinion is the only one out there. I don't blame people who can't understand how someone can think differently from them because that's all they know. People who live in Texas their whole lives and don't do a lot of traveling will meet mostly people who think exactly as they do. They have no reason to learn about other cultures or beliefs. They have no reason not to think that people who are different are just wrong and crazy. I just choose not to live there because that's not the way I think.
I got tired of sitting at a table listening to people tell me that I was stupid because I disagreed with them. I got tired of having people tell me that my University was inferior. I got tired of being treated in a way that would have made a Texan furious had I treated him or her that same way in return. I got tired of smiling politely at racist jokes. I got tired of pretending that I think all Muslims will go to hell. I got tired of pretending to be someone that I wasn't. It was hard for me to understand how people could be so sensitive when you criticized their beliefs but had no problem criticizing yours and then wondering why you got so upset about it. It's as if they just can't grasp that people are different and that's OK.
So I moved to a place where I was told everyone is accepted for who they are because everyone is so different and diverse. I like it better. That's just me. I don't think that all Texans are bad or that it's a horrible place where no one should ever go. I don't think that anyone who wants to live is crazy. I just think that it's not the place for me. I hate it. I don't want to live there again. That's my opinion. If it's different than yours, that's OK.
Ross has requested that I write a post answering the question: Why Do I Hate Texas? Obviously, this is addressed to the Texans who read this blog because everyone who doesn't live in Texas has their own answer to this question, and it's probably pretty similar to mine. Before I start, though, I just want to say that I met many wonderful people while in Texas and not everything I say applies to everyone I met.
To understand the reason that I hate Texas, you have to understand me a little. I grew up in a small town where it wasn't OK to be different. I spent 18 years of my life feeling like I didn't belong and didn't fit. As a child, the only place we could afford to vacation was Dallas, Texas. Every year, we would go there to catch a Cowboys game. From the time I was 13, I felt like I belonged there. It was bigger and people thought like me. Very naively, I thought that's what I was looking for -- a place where I fit.
When I went to college, I found a place where I fit in a different way. I met people who understood me and liked me for who I was. I also met people who were drastically different from me and I began to change a lot. I realized that what I was looking for weren't people who were like me but people who accepted people no matter what their differences were. I made friends with people from different countries, from different religions, with completely different backgrounds. This was the kind of environment I wanted to be in.
But I made a promise to a 13-year-old girl that I would be a sports reporter for the Dallas Morning News and be a Cowboys season ticket holder. It was a promise I had to keep.
I lived in Dallas for three years and met lots of people. And the reason that I hate Texas can be summed up with the question that I get every time I tell a Texan that I hate Texas. "How can you hate Texas?" Texans cannot seem to understand that not everyone is going to think like them. They just absolutely cannot open their eyes to the fact that other people's experiences and beliefs might lead them to a different opinion than the one they themselves have. They drive around with Southern flags on their cars. They make racist jokes. They kick women out of football press boxes because "I've never met a woman who knows anything about football." They dislike anyone who doesn't think that the rest of the world is envious of Texans. They call you a Yankee if you grew up North of the Red River. They tell you that you're stupid because you didn't go to their University of choice. And they don't understand people who don't act the same way.
Now, Texans who read this post are thinking, "That's an exaggeration," "They were probably joking" or "That wouldn't happen." All of those things happened to me when I lived in Texas. And, no, people were not always joking.
I am of the belief that opinions are not right or wrong. They just are. Our experiences and personalities shape those opinions and not everyone is going to go through life with exactly the same experiences. Thus, not everyone will have the same opinions. Thank God! I don't think that people who let their religion guide them to some interesting opinions are uneducated. I think they've had a different set of life experiences to lead them to those beliefs. I don't believe that four white men who grew up middle class in a large Texas city and went to the same University can decide the best song of the 90s and expect that their opinion will apply to all of America. I don't think that because someone didn't go to college that they aren't as smart as me. I don't think that some television shows, for example, are just inherently better than others and all people with good taste just know that. I don't think that I'm superior to anyone because of the color of my skin, and I certainly don't think that an appendige hanging below your belly button qualifies you to talk about sports. I think that everyone's opinions are what make them unique and special. I think everyone should embrace the ways that they differ from others.
That being said, I don't blame people who think that their opinion is the only one out there. I don't blame people who can't understand how someone can think differently from them because that's all they know. People who live in Texas their whole lives and don't do a lot of traveling will meet mostly people who think exactly as they do. They have no reason to learn about other cultures or beliefs. They have no reason not to think that people who are different are just wrong and crazy. I just choose not to live there because that's not the way I think.
I got tired of sitting at a table listening to people tell me that I was stupid because I disagreed with them. I got tired of having people tell me that my University was inferior. I got tired of being treated in a way that would have made a Texan furious had I treated him or her that same way in return. I got tired of smiling politely at racist jokes. I got tired of pretending that I think all Muslims will go to hell. I got tired of pretending to be someone that I wasn't. It was hard for me to understand how people could be so sensitive when you criticized their beliefs but had no problem criticizing yours and then wondering why you got so upset about it. It's as if they just can't grasp that people are different and that's OK.
So I moved to a place where I was told everyone is accepted for who they are because everyone is so different and diverse. I like it better. That's just me. I don't think that all Texans are bad or that it's a horrible place where no one should ever go. I don't think that anyone who wants to live is crazy. I just think that it's not the place for me. I hate it. I don't want to live there again. That's my opinion. If it's different than yours, that's OK.
posted by Rachel at
3:03 PM
16 Comments:
First of all, you get the question "How can you hate Texas"? from me because I find it hard to believe that you would let your brief experience in the most soul-less and character-free city in the entire state color your entire opinion on Texas. Hell, if all I did was live in Dallas for three years, I would probably feel the same way. It has nothing to do with not being able to understand that not all people are going to think like me. You condemn people for not traveling the country and opening themselves up to new experiences and opinions, yet you are content to form your negative opinion of the state based on a brief stint in Dallas.
The simple fact that you paint Texas as a place where people drive around with Confederate flags telling racist jokes is the exact kind of narrowminded stereotype that you rail against and find offensive. Your experience in a small-town pressbox is unfortunate but far from typical. For every one questionable instance Mercedes has faced in similar situations, there are 20 places where she is treated with nothing but respect. So why would anyone accept the clear exception in terms of behavior as the norm of the entire state?
Your description of college and college life is perfect and is the main reason why I love Austin so much. Those exact same glowing attributes you mention are prevalent at almost all colleges in the country, and especially at the University of Texas (my alma mater). Those same atrributes permeate through the entire city of Austin, which makes it one of my favorite places.
Naturally, people having different opinions about things is far more interesting and enjoyable to being in a place where there is only one train of thought. But don't mistake passion about one's opinion as intolerance for someone else's. I have strong opinions about a lot of things (music, movies, etc.) and I have never claimed that my opinion represents what all of America should think. It shouldn't, that's why they're opinions. But when it comes to my opinions, I'm going to argue passionately for them, otherwise what's the use of thinking or forming your own thoughts. If someone were to tell me that Wilco sucks or Vertigo is a bad movie, I'm going to tell them they are wrong and explain why I think so. To a highly sensitive person, I can see how this might be misconstrued as intolerant of other people's opinions, but that couldn't be further from the truth. If I feel strongly enough about something, I'm going to defend it. Avoiding the difference of opinion by copping out to an "everyone is entitled to their's" attitude defeats the purpose of being passionate about certain things.
Don't smile politely at racist jokes, don't pretend to be something you're not by smiling passively, and if someone tells you that your university of choice is inferior, they're either joking or ignorant, and tell them so. But these kinds of attitudes exist in places all over the country, not just in Texas. Do you look over the kind of class warfare that exists between the haves and have-nots in places all along the California coast?
And your level of condescension in the paragraph where you don't "blame" people for the way they think surprises me and is beneath you. Especially for someone who seems to support such tolerance for differing opinions.
If you have no desire to live in Texas, that's fine. I have no desire to live in New Jersey or Mississippi or Alabama or Arkansas or North Dakota. But I certainly don't profess to hate those places as vehemently as you hate Texas. I wouldn't want to live in Dallas or Houston for many of the same reasons you just described. But I do find it surprising that you wouldn't feel comfortable and thrive in cities like Austin, San Antonio, or even Fort Worth to some extent.
I don't understand hatred. I don't see how anyone can claim to truly hate anyone or anything. It's self-defeating. But hate projected onto something as big and varied as the state of Texas just doesn't make sense to me, and is why you will always get that question from me - "How can you hate Texas"?
By
jason, at 8:28 AM
To j mayer's comment: Obviously you've had different experiences in Texas than she has. I'm sure if she had experienced some of the wonderful aspects of Texas you mention above, she would have a different opinion. The real question is, why do you obsess about this? Is it just that you need a reason to dislike her? You're mad that she stole your best friend away to California? Get over it. They're together, Robby must be pleased with the situation or he would leave. You might as well get used to it.
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Monica, at 1:41 PM
Sorry, that's ROSS. Not Robby. My mistake. :)
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Monica, at 1:42 PM
Am I going to have to send everyone to time out?
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Ned Ryerson, at 2:26 PM
Absolutely ridiculous. I like Rachel and as one of Ross' best friends, I have loved the fact that he has found somebody that makes him happy. If that forces him to move to California, Texas, Maine, or Singapore, then so be it. I wouldn't be much of a friend if I harbored resentment over that fact. And I would certainly never hold that against anyone and I don't hold anything against Rachel.
Also, nice use of the word "obsess," because, as I'm sure you know, I lie awake at night thinking about this very thing. You're right, I am consumed by Rachel's hatred of Texas. Give me a break.
I'm not naive enough to miss the fact that a lot of the comments made in that post are directed towards me or other people I know, and I feel an explanation about those things is necessary. And to unequivocally state that you hate Texas is insulting. I don't like certain aspects of the state either, but that doesn't inform my entire opinion.
But your first two sentences prove the small, inconsequential point I was trying to make. Why close yourself off to the people of an entire state based on a few bad experiences?
This subject is interesting to me because I find it contradictory that someone open to all sorts of people and opinions would have such a limited view of something. And as someone who lives in Texas, it is insulting to be painted with such broad strokes.
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jason, at 2:38 PM
Good lord. Journalist are more long-winded than Methodist preachers! Glad you don't hold anything against Rach. I was just checking. Truce man.
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Monica, at 3:03 PM
This is why I didn't want to post this, Ross.
OK, Jason, think about how this post made you feel with the grand, sweeping statements of how I think Texas is. Now imagine how I feel when I read something about how the middle American religious right are just idiotic and uneducated, etc. This is exactly the point that I was trying to make. It sucks when people make such wide, sweeping statements about something that they have limited exposure to. Yet that happened to me all of the time when I was in Texas by virtually everyone I met and they just couldn't understand that there is no difference between what they were doing and what I just did.
You are offended because I took something that was important to you and explained what it was that I didn't like about it in very broad, stereotypical terms. Were you being overly sensitive, as you always accuse me of?
I do apologize if I sounded condescending. I did not mean that at all. I was trying to say, not very effectively, that people who think differently from me are painted by their realities as I am painted by mine. What I really should have said, because this is what I meant, is that I don't hate the PEOPLE of Texas. I could meet the world's most racist, uneducated person and find something to connect with them about and something to like about them. I wanted to say that just because I'm saying "I hate Texas," which is an exaggeration, like many of the things I say, but you don't know me that well, I'm not saying, "I hate everyone I meet in Texas and think they are all uneducated hillbillies."
I'm from a small-town. In many ways, I truly relate to that type of thinking. Arrogant Texans who believe that Texas is the greatest place on Earth when they've never been anywhere else, who think that the rest of the world is inferior, who think that women can't know sports and other races shouldn't be here.... are much like the people I grew up with, people in my family. I guess I was just trying to say that I understand why the people that I disagree with think the way they think. I just don't need to be exposed to it all the time because it makes me upset if I am. I'll be the first person to tell you that I don't have it all figured out, and I certainly don't look down on anyone. I'm poor white trash. I've spent most of my life looking up.
And about college, I'm sure you had the exact same experience at Austin that I had in Lawrence. I just want you to remember that I feel the exact same way about Lawrence that you feel about Austin and I feel the exact same way about Kansas that you feel about Texas. Just remember that those feelings aren't exclusive to Texas grads. We have them everywhere.
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Rachel, at 4:45 PM
Oh, I would also like to say, without trying to make you madder but just from the way I see things, that there's a big difference between saying, "I think Veronica Mars is the best show on television and here's why" and saying "I think you're wrong to not like Veronica Mars and here's why." Do you see my point?
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Rachel, at 4:46 PM
There is a world of difference between those two statements. The first can be expressed intelligently with passion. The second one begins with a personal attack, and passion makes it dangerous.
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Diana, at 6:16 PM
Well said.
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Rachel, at 8:39 PM
Admittedly, I am a little confused by a couple of things. Being from Texas, I naturally identify myself as a "Texan," so an inaccurate representation of what that is forces me to argue my position. (It doesn't upset me, but it does intrigue me to the point where I want to scratch at the specific things that make people feel that way.) Do you identify yourself as part of the "religious right"? Is this a direct reference to things I've said about religion and evolution? Is my exposure limited?
The thing that perplexes me the most is the picture you paint of "arrogant Texans." From my experience, this is an extreme point of view and very atypical. But you present it as a majority.
Finally, I would never attempt to deride one's college experience and I have never done it to you. In fact, when I visited Lawrence this past summer, I asked you where to go and was disappointed that I wasn't able to spend more time there. (On a side note, the weekend I was there, there was this huge sidewalk-type sale on that main street - is that an annual thing or a summer thing?) Any college experience should be celebrated, and I would expect nothing less than for you to tell me how great KU was.
As for the comment on the two statements, I don't think either one is dangerous. It's a freakin' television show, for crying out loud. But I present things to people and on my site like the first statement. Of course, if I tell Ross that he's stupid for not liking it, you should know by now that that is just a typical conversation for us and is not mean-spirited in any way. I wouldn't want to project that sentiment on to you, and I wouldn't want you to take it differently than Ross does.
And I may be long-winded, but I am not a journalist.
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jason, at 9:44 PM
I met a lot of Texans. I found all of them to be arrogant about being Texan. I don't think that's an inaccurate portrayal. Everyone I know who isn't from there agrees with that statement, and that's not an exaggeration.
It seemed to me from the way you worded your first comments that you were angry. I guess that's the problem with written communication.
I never said that you belittled my college experience. But you're not the only Texan that I've met. (Believe it or not, this blog was not a personal attack on you. :) You also said in your blog, "Lawrence is no Austin, but nowhere is." I don't take that as an insult in anyway, but I think (and I could be wrong) that you may not realize that I feel that Austin could never be Lawrence. My main problem with the experience that I had in Texas is that you all speak so passionately about things that you oppose, from race to television, but other people's opinions simply aren't accepted. I sat many a time at a table with Texans where I voiced one opinion that was different, got ridiculed, insulted and felt like I couldn't speak up again.
From my perspective, you often present your opinion in a way that says (and Veronica Mars is just an example because it's a fairly recent argument) "I can't understand how you couldn't agree with me. You must not be educated enough to like it." I think that you have learned that you can't talk to me like you talk to Ross, and I think I can tell the difference. In the time that I've gotten to know you, I don't think that you mean to come across this way, but I spoke with several people tonight who said, "I can't believe how mean that guy was to you." You reacted just the way I thought you would, and because I now know you, my feelings were not hurt.
Don't worry, I let Mon know that you were a lawyer. In another sweeping generalization, she said, "Oh, that explains it." :)
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Rachel, at 10:08 PM
In your answer to the question about the religious right, I don't think that I am one of them, but I grew up surrounded by them, and I think you make generalizations about that way of life without knowing anything about it. I think if you spent a year really getting to know some of the people that I grew up with, really giving them a chance, that you wouldn't say a lot of the things that you say.
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Rachel, at 10:15 PM
A couple of things (and I'll try to be brief :) ):
1. Of course, I realize that the way you feel about Lawrence can be the same as my feelings toward Austin.
2. I do admit to presenting many arguments as "I can't understand how you couldn't agree with me," but you make an inference after that that takes it a step too far. I don't think anyone is uneducated or not as smart as I am because they don't agree with me. If I thought that, I wouldn't have many friends nor would I be happily married.
3. It may be a finer line to you, and you'll obviously disagree with me on this point, but I would never be unaccepting of someone's position or ridicule their opinion. The fact that I argue a point until I'm blue in the face has nothing to do with someone else's opinion and everything to do with how I feel about mine. And the fact that I argue a point with someone is not my way of trying to change their mind, but to get into an interesting discussion about it.
4. You say everyone you met in Texas was arrogant about being from Texas. I'm not. Ross isn't. My wife isn't. My family isn't. My friends aren't. Right now, I can't think of one person I know from Texas who feels that way, or at least a person I spend significant time with. I don't deny that many people are, and I think it's ridiculous.
5. I'm a religious person and I grew up in a church. Religion has always been a very personal thing to me. For example, the day of my mom's funeral, when I was sitting in the church, I had an amazing feeling of comfort come over me. It's hard even to describe how it felt. I don't care for the way it is publicly and politically used by the religious right. I find it disingenuous at best and dangerous at worst. Trying to teach children about "intelligent design" in place of scientific facts in a public school is something that I find reprehensible, especially when it's my nieces and nephews and future children at stake. Faith is a great thing to have. Blind faith and literal interpretations are downright scary to me.
Well, I guess I can't be brief after all. I also reread my earlier posts and can't find an instance of meanness or animosity, but, as you said, the written word isn't the best way to convey tone.
By
jason, at 11:16 PM
I guess you and I will have to agree to disagree again, except for the part about how you can't be brief. :)
I think the way you state your opinions comes across as hostile and condescending quite often. I don't think that when someone expresses an opinion that differs from yours that saying, "Well, that's assinine" or "Well, that's ridiculous" is a good way to stimulate discussion. I think arguing a point can be done without insulting someone's opinion or getting personal. I love a healthy debate, but I hate being talked down to or dismissed. Next time that I feel that you're doing it to me specifically, I might point it out to you so that you realize what it is that bothers me. The more I get to know you the more that I believe that's not your intention. But believe me when I tell you that I'm not the only person that feels that way sometimes.
When I first met Ross, he was very arrogant to me about Texas. I had to explain to him many times why it bothered me. Everyone I worked with at the Morning News was that way. You and your friends have talked to me that way. I don't see how you can deny it.
On No. 5, I absolutely agree with you. There are times when you state your opinions perfectly and other times that I'm like, "I can't believe he just said that!" A lot of that probably has to do, again, with written communication. I'm sure you think the same about me.
And could you please tell Ross that just because we argue like this that we can all still be friends?
By
Rachel, at 11:05 AM
I think we can all agree that neither one of you is brief. :) But don't worry Ross, we're just one big happy family!
By
Monica, at 11:27 AM
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