The One Where Some of Us Are Clowns
Everyone who reads this blog should know that I love Counting Crows. However, there's been one thing that I haven't been able to bring myself to do since I graduated from college -- listen to Recovering the Satellites. It takes me back to 17 when I was in such a terrible depression that I didn't eat or sleep and had figured out exactly how I was going to kill myself. I was in the most horrible downward spiral of my life, trying to figure out things that I still haven't quite come to terms with. And every two years, those depressions pop up again for a few months to remind me that I'm not exactly over my past.
This year, during my depression, I was forced to deal with the past when my past found me in the form of my high school reunion. I didn't go, but I sent out the invitations, forcing me to reconnect with people that I have been avoiding for, well, 10 years. One of those was my high school best friend. We ended our friendship abruptly during our freshman year of college, and both of us blamed the other. Well, last week, we talked it out -- for five hours. It was very cathartic to see myself through her eyes and finally understand some of those things that happened. She reminded me things that I had completely forgotten, and I did the same for her. It helped me really deal with some things that I have struggled with.
So yesterday, when the line from "Good-Night Elisabeth" that I love so much, "We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns. And some of us are dancers on the midway; we roam from town to town," stuck in my head out of the blue yesterday, I did the unthinkable. I put in Recovering the Satellites and took a good look at myself at 17. That whole cd is just exactly who I was at that time, and it made me sad, but at the same time, I'm not that girl anymore. And as I get ready to head back to Hutchinson for the first time in years, I have to remember and accept that girl, but I also have to realize that I'm not still her. I can handle my family. I don't have to feel guilty that I'm different. I don't have to feel bad about my success. I don't have to feel guilty that I escaped. And maybe once I stop feeling so negatively about myself because I just never fit in, I can stop being so angry at them that they've always made me feel that way.
At least I can hope.
This year, during my depression, I was forced to deal with the past when my past found me in the form of my high school reunion. I didn't go, but I sent out the invitations, forcing me to reconnect with people that I have been avoiding for, well, 10 years. One of those was my high school best friend. We ended our friendship abruptly during our freshman year of college, and both of us blamed the other. Well, last week, we talked it out -- for five hours. It was very cathartic to see myself through her eyes and finally understand some of those things that happened. She reminded me things that I had completely forgotten, and I did the same for her. It helped me really deal with some things that I have struggled with.
So yesterday, when the line from "Good-Night Elisabeth" that I love so much, "We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns. And some of us are dancers on the midway; we roam from town to town," stuck in my head out of the blue yesterday, I did the unthinkable. I put in Recovering the Satellites and took a good look at myself at 17. That whole cd is just exactly who I was at that time, and it made me sad, but at the same time, I'm not that girl anymore. And as I get ready to head back to Hutchinson for the first time in years, I have to remember and accept that girl, but I also have to realize that I'm not still her. I can handle my family. I don't have to feel guilty that I'm different. I don't have to feel bad about my success. I don't have to feel guilty that I escaped. And maybe once I stop feeling so negatively about myself because I just never fit in, I can stop being so angry at them that they've always made me feel that way.
At least I can hope.
posted by Rachel at
10:11 AM
2 Comments:
It's a shame that CD has such bad connotations for you, because it's their best album and always the one go to first when I get the urge to listen to them.
By
jason, at 8:33 PM
After listening to it again, I can't imagine how I went five years without listening to it. It's definitely their best album, even though I think all of their albums are excellent. I guess that's the thing about really good music. It inspires emotions, good and bad.
Have you listened to the Himilayans album yet? It's good for being pre-Counting Crows stuff, I thought.
By
Rachel, at 9:17 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home