The One With My Internal Stress
I admit it, I internalize my stress. I don't even know that I'm stressed. I don't feel it. Rarely ever. But, of course I am. I'm doing the job of six people and I have Directors breathing down my neck and pressuring me to participate in their unethical behavior. I won't know that I'm stressed until I get sick.
While working for my crazy boss who made me feel like everything about my personality was wrong, I suffered from dizzy spells, migraines, rashes and intense stomach problems. During that time, I was seeing a stomach specialist to try to solve my problems, which I didn't realize were stress-related at the time. Even he suggested that I see a shrink.
But I know what my problem is -- when I was about 17-18, I quit trusting people. It's a long story , and it would probably make my mom cry, but I started internalizing all my emotions because I always thought that if you let people knew how they were hurting you, you let them win. I still have trouble shedding that attitude.
I actually did see a therapist for a year in Texas, and she felt that problem was keeping me from having good relationships and friendships. My assignment was to start telling people who were close to me how they made me feel when they hurt me. It continues to be hard for me to do that, even with Ross. Things still get hidden from time to time and probably always will.
But the good news is that my stomach problems are finally getting better now that I'm not dreading going to work every day. I have been moved to "when necessary" status by my doctor, which means I don't have to make my periodic visits. I'm very excited that I seem to be handling my life better. I hope I can continue to do better, but I honestly don't feel stressed. I seem to have learned to hide things even from myself. I'm not quite sure how to overcome that, but I will continue to try.
While working for my crazy boss who made me feel like everything about my personality was wrong, I suffered from dizzy spells, migraines, rashes and intense stomach problems. During that time, I was seeing a stomach specialist to try to solve my problems, which I didn't realize were stress-related at the time. Even he suggested that I see a shrink.
But I know what my problem is -- when I was about 17-18, I quit trusting people. It's a long story , and it would probably make my mom cry, but I started internalizing all my emotions because I always thought that if you let people knew how they were hurting you, you let them win. I still have trouble shedding that attitude.
I actually did see a therapist for a year in Texas, and she felt that problem was keeping me from having good relationships and friendships. My assignment was to start telling people who were close to me how they made me feel when they hurt me. It continues to be hard for me to do that, even with Ross. Things still get hidden from time to time and probably always will.
But the good news is that my stomach problems are finally getting better now that I'm not dreading going to work every day. I have been moved to "when necessary" status by my doctor, which means I don't have to make my periodic visits. I'm very excited that I seem to be handling my life better. I hope I can continue to do better, but I honestly don't feel stressed. I seem to have learned to hide things even from myself. I'm not quite sure how to overcome that, but I will continue to try.
posted by Rachel at
9:14 PM
4 Comments:
I'm so glad to hear that some of your physical problems are lessening. It continues to amaze me how our bodies serve as such strong indicators to our emotional or mental health.
And try to remember that none of us would intentionally hurt you. So if you don't tell us that we've done something to hurt you, we won't be able to fix it. Perhaps you need to establish the weekly chats w/ Ross! :) I know that I get a terrible knot in the pit of my stomach when I think you are mad at me. It's better to have the discussion and have "cl-oh-sure" than to suffer w/ that knot!
By
Monica, at 2:16 PM
You mean like a Thursday chat?
Here's the problem with telling people that they have hurt you.
1. If they meant to hurt you, they get the satisfaction of knowing that they did.
2. If they didn't mean to hurt you, you have to hurt them by telling them that they hurt you. (You fit in the second category as do Ross and Pheobes.) No one wins here.
By
Rachel, at 3:19 PM
You're oversimplifying things by splitting them into two categories. With respect to No. 2, you're not necessarily hurting somebody by telling them that something they did is hurtful to you. Sometimes it's just a matter of, "Oh, gee, I didn't realize that pissed you off. I won't do it again." And then you're home free.
Decent people actually care about how their actions affect others, and sometimes a little feedback is a good thing.
By
Dave, at 8:59 PM
I'm gonna have to agree w/ Buck. And I might add ... which I know you probably already know this, but ... you think too much about how you're going to affect other people. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish. So what if they have to face the music and have a discussion about the ways in which they hurt you. 1) If they're a good friend, they won't mind having this discussion and you will be even better friends for having had it and b) you will get that weight off your chest, or out of your internalization, or whatever. It'll be all cleared up and out of the way and it'll be one less thing you have to internalize!
By
Monica, at 12:48 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home